


Seven Steps to Healing

by WhatsYourNameMan



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, Bullying, Implied homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Self-Hatred, Trichotillomania
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8271145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatsYourNameMan/pseuds/WhatsYourNameMan
Summary: John Laurens had been looking forward to this trip all year. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity; the chance to travel around the country with his favorite teacher to visit all the major battle sites of the Revolutionary War. Once the day of the trip arrives, however, he starts to have second thoughts. He has no friends going on the trip. In fact, the only person he knows is the person that's been making his life hell since third grade.Originally published on tumblr.





	1. Step One: Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> At the request of one particular anon, I'm officially publishing Seven Steps to Healing here! I'll post the warnings at the beginning of each chapter like I did on tumblr.  
> For those of you who are new to this series, welcome! I wrote the first few chapters of this while on a seventeen day tour of Europe on which I knew no one besides my mom. I was the youngest kid on the tour and all the others were already friends, so I had a lot of anxiety about trying to talk to them. The first chapter captures that anxiety, and then it kind of spiraled out of control from there.

John Laurens didn’t know anyone. He stood in the bus parking lot, looking around at the group of the students surrounding him. Everyone was already in groups; they all already knew each other.  
John’s parents hadn’t forced him into this. He had wanted to go on a tour of famous battle sites. It had sounded like a dream come true for him. But now he was starting to wonder if he had made the right decision.

As more and more people paired off, his chances at friends decreased. He had talked about making friends with his therapist, but she had told him to look for someone else who was alone. No else one was alone. John felt like the room was spinning around him. His breath was becoming shorter and his palms were starting to sweat.

It wasn’t that the other kids weren’t nice—Hercules Mulligan and Gilbert Lafayette, whom he recognized from school, had smiled and greeted him when he walked in—but it seemed like no one wanted him in their group. He eyed Hercules and Gilbert, wondering if maybe he could join them, but they looked pretty content with just the two of them. He didn’t want to ruin that.  
He bit his lip. Why was he the only one without friends? Why couldn’t he make friends? What was wrong with him that he couldn’t just walk up to someone and say “hi”? He hated himself sometimes. Maybe not all of himself, but the part of him that wouldn’t let him socialize like a normal, functioning human being.

Then he saw what might of been his saving grace. A small boy with black hair pulled back in a ponytail approached the group, and John could tell from the look on his face that he didn’t have any friends here either. He didn’t recognize him from their school, so he figured that the boy was homeschooled or from another one of the schools in the area.

_Just go up to him_ , John thought, remembering what his therapist had told him. _Find someone else who is alone, and make it so neither of you are alone_.

His heart pounded as he started taking small steps towards the new boy. His mouth had gone dry and he really was having trouble breathing now, but he had to do this. He would suffer so much more if he didn’t do this.

When he was within ten feet of the boy, he opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. In his moment of hesitation, Hercules and Gilbert jumped between John and the new boy, completely ignoring John’s existence.

“Bonjour mon ami,” Gilbert said to the new boy. “Je m'appelle Gilbert Lafayette, but you can call me Laf. And this is Hercules Mulligan. Would you like to join us?”

John felt like had taken a bullet to the chest. His heart sunk as he walk away. That was it. That was his last chance at making a friend. He had thrown away his shot.

It wasn’t just the loss of the chance that was bothering John. Why hadn’t Gilbert and Hercules invited him to join them? Had he not seemed friendly enough when he walked in? Had his reputation for being quiet reached that many people from school? That was another part he hated about himself. Everyone though he was rude or standoffish, when really he was just too nice. He didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, so he stayed quiet, stayed out of the way, and let people live their lives without him.

The group leader, Mr. Washington called for everyone to board the bus. John felt like he might pass out. Hercules and Gilbert sat in the second row, behind Mr. Washington. The new boy sat across in the seat across from them. He was telling them a story that continued throughout the whole boarding process. John hesitated at the front. There were no empty seats besides the one next to the boy and the one next to Mr. Washington. Not wanting to get in the way of the boy’s new friendship, he sat down next to Mr. Washington, who let him take the window seat.

Throughout the bus ride he listened to the conversation happening behind them. It sounded like they were having a lot of fun. John’s heart ached to be a part of that.

He started thinking about how he would have to go this entire two week trip without friends. He liked Mr. Washington, but he couldn’t spend his whole trip with the teacher. What little reputation he had would become worse. He’d probably be seen as a suck-up, or a weirdo who always needs to be with a teacher.

John realized that he was almost hyperventilating. On top of that, he could feel himself becoming hyper-aware of his eyebrows against his face. His hands were twitching, begging him to pull out one hair, just one.

John shoved the sleeves of his turtle sweatshirt (extra big for this exact reason) under his legs and pulled his arms out of the sleeves, crossing them over his chest inside the hoodie. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to do one of his breathing exercises.

_In four, out four. In four, out four. Oh my god why isn’t this working? In four, out four. In four, out four. What is wrong with me why cant I breathe what is happening I can't—_

Mr. Washington’s hand dropped onto John’s shoulder, interrupting his flood of thoughts.

“John, are you all right, son?”

John opened his eyes and looked up at Mr. Washington. He shook his head and shifted his gaze to the ground.

“Why don’t you tell me about it then?”

“It’s t-too loud,” he whispered.

“What’s too loud?” Washington asked. “Is it the kids? I can have them quiet down.”

John shook his head again. “Inside my head. It’s too loud inside my head.”

“What do you mean, son?”

John looked out the window, his face burning. He knew Mr. Washington would think it was ridiculous.

“You can tell me, John.”

“I d-don’t know how to-to talk to people,” John said, wincing at the string of insults his head was throwing at him because of his stuttering. “And when I-I try I can’t, because my head tells me that I can’t-I can't—I don’t know how to—it just—”

“Slow down, son. Take a breath.”

John nodded and took a deep breath, trying hard to ignore the voice that was telling him how pathetic he was.

“Try it again,” Mr. Washington said encouragingly.

“Every time I think of talking to someone,” John said very slowly, “my head tells me that they don’t want me to talk to them.” His speech started to speed up. “That they’ll think I’m weird and awkward because I don’t know how to talk and if anyone actually does talk to me they’re just doing it out of pity and I should leave them alone because obviously they want me gone and I just don’t want to be a burden and—”

“John, look at me. You just got through that whole sentence without stuttering.”

“I did?”

“Yes, son, you did. And you’re talking to me now. What is your head telling you about that?”

John hesitated. “That-that I’m pathetic for crying to a teacher just-just because I can’t talk to any kids. And that-and that you don’t want to be b-bothered with this and I should sh-shut up because I’m ruining your trip.” He could have kept going, but he decided to end it there.

“Well I think your head is wrong. You’re very brave for telling me all this, and you’re not bothering me. You can talk to me about anything, at any time. I’m very proud of you, son.”

John quickly made eye contact with the teacher and gave a quick smile, then went back to staring at his lap. Washington knew that from John, that meant a million thanks.

“Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

“I don’t have any friends.”

“You must have some.”

John shook his head. “None here. I-I don’t know anyone and everyone already knows each other.”

“Well, what about Alexander?” Mr. Washington asked. “He doesn’t know anyone either. He’s homeschooled.”

“He’s friends with Gilbert and Hercules now. They-they don’t want me to talk to them.”

“Are you sure about that?”

John nodded. “They d-didn’t invite me to hang out with them. They didn’t even know I was there.”

“Really? Because I’ve heard them say they wish they could talk to you.”

John’s head snapped up to look at him. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“Gilbert came to me the other day asking why you never talked to anyone. He wanted to know if I thought you would want to join their group.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I said that I couldn’t answer for you, but I told him you were a little shy.”

“Then why didn’t they invite me?”

“Gilbert realizes that he can be very, um, intimidating when he gets excited. He wanted you to feel comfortable around them. He said he wanted you to do it on your own time.”  
John let out a small, strangled laugh. “If I do it on my own time, I’ll never do it.”

“I know,” Mr. Washington said. “That’s why I put the four of you together as roommates.”

“What?”

“You’re going to have to talk to them sooner or later. I’d go with sooner.”

About an hour later, they stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom, then filed back on the bus. This time, Mr. Washington had his backpack in John’s seat. He nodded at John. John got the message. He took a deep breath and walked another row back. He turned towards Alexander.

“Is-is it okay if I sit here?”


	2. Step Two: Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets to know his new roommates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait they’re learning about themselves? Yep! Because while I was once a Civil War buff, all that knowledge has been replaced by useless Revolutionary War facts and I can’t even remember which Civil War general fought for which side. So have fun.
> 
> Warning for self-hatred on this one.

“Is-is it okay if I sit here?”

“Yeah!” Alexander beamed up at him. He scooted over so John could sit on the aisle. “I’m Alex, and that’s Laf and Herc.”

“I’m J-John.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you, mon ami!” Laf reached over and shook John’s hand.

“You too,” John said, relaxing a little.

Hercules leaned over Laf so he could look at the newcomer. “I love your sweatshirt! Where’d you get it?”

“Um, I’m not sure,” John said, fidgeting a little with the small hole in the sleeve. “It’s really old.”

“I can see that,” Herc said. “Do you want me to sew up that hole for you?”

“Oh,” John said. “N-no, that’s okay. I don’t-I don’t want to bother you.”

“You wouldn’t be bothering me, Herc said. “I’d love to do it.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, mon ami,” Laf answered for his friend. “Our Herc loves to sew! Some day he’s going to be the world’s greatest fashion designer!”

“Someday?” Herc asked, raising an eyebrow. “I already am!”

The other boys laughed, but a small, shy smile was all John was prepared to give.

“Hey, are you okay?” Alex asked gently, tapping John’s shoulder. “You’re shaking.”

“Um, I’m just-just cold,” John lied. He didn’t want them to know how big of an anxious wreck he was inside.

“I’ll keep you warm!” Alex readily volunteered. He wrapped his arms around John. “I’m from the Caribbean. I brought the heat with me!”

John let out a small chuckle. “Thanks, Alex.”

“Anytime.” The smaller boy cuddled into John. “I’m actually freezing. How do you guys survive in this weather?”

“It is seventy-nine degrees out, mon ami,” Laf said.

“I don’t tell you how to live your life, Laf!” Alex said.

Laf giggled and turned his attention to John. “Mon ami, I have a very important question.”

“Okay…” John braced himself for the usual string of questions. _Why are you so quiet? Don’t you have any friends?_

“What is your favorite color?”

John blinked. “What?”

“What is your favorite color?” Laf repeated.

“Green,” John said. “Why?”

“Herc is color-coding all our stuff,” Alex explained, his voice muffled against John’s sweatshirt.

“So that we can tell everyone’s things apart,” Herc said. “Mr. Washington told us that the four of us would be rooming together.”

“Oh,” John said. “That’s a good idea.”

“This man’s a genius,” Alex said, sitting up. “I’ve never met anyone like him. I’ve only known him a couple of hours and he’s already taught me how to—”

“Alright, ladies and gentlemen,” Mr. Washington said, standing at the front of the bus. “We’re at the site of the Battle of Yorktown. We’ll be given a quick tour and then you have two hours to explore. Have fun.”

The students filed off the bus.

“Have you ever been here, John?” Herc asked as they stepped onto the field.

John’s eyes were alight with excitement. “No, but I’ve read all about. Over there is where the Marquis de Lafayette cornered the Redcoats, and over here is where—” John cut off, his face flushing with embarrassment. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to—I just got excited. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, mom ami,” Laf said, placing an hand on John’s arm.

“Yeah,” Alex said. “Forget the tour guide, I want you to show us around.”

_They’re just saying that so you don’t feel awkward._

John hesitated. “I don’t-I don’t know…” He wanted to. He really really wanted to show off how much he knew about this stuff. This was his passion, besides drawing.

“Come on, please,” Alex begged.

Well how could he so no to that?

“Okay, I-I guess so.”

He led the boys around the battlefield for the next two hours, completely ignoring the tour guides. The boys were willing to bet that John new more than the guides anyways. After some coaxing, John even showed them some drawings he had done of what he thought the battle had looked like.

It took him a while to get into a flow, but his friends noticed that after about an hour he had stopped stuttering completely. John was speaking clearly and confidently, his words fired by a deep passion.

“Mon ami,” Laf said when they reached the end of the two hours, “that was amazing.”

John turned a deep red. “Thanks,” he said, feeling slightly out of breath. He hadn’t felt that good in a while. For those couple of hours, his mind had been completely silent as he was allowed to talk about the things he loved. He hoped that someday it could always be like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join me on tumblr @justsmilingmoreandtalkingless!


	3. Step Three: Relax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when John thought things were going well Thomas Jefferson arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: internalized self-hate, trich, anxiety, bullying

“Tell me more about Colonel Hamilton,” Alex muttered.

They were an hour and a half into their bus ride to their hotel, and Alex was leaning on the window sleepily. Laf and Herc had fallen asleep on each other and were snoring quite loudly.

John was looking past Alex, out the window. His sleeves were pinned under his legs and his arms were in his sweatshirt. “Okay. He was the General’s right hand man for most of the war. He helped Washington organize all his correspondences and even wrote orders under Washington’s signature. Eventually he got tired of just being an aide de camp and left Washington’s staff to command his own troops.”

“He seems like a cool guy,” Alex yawned.

“He was,” John said.

“Why do you do that?” Alex asked.

John paused for a moment. “Do what?” he asked nervously.

“With your sweatshirt. That’s not how sleeves work, you know.”

John slid his arms back into his sleeves, but kept his hands under his thighs. “I, um, it’s just—I don’t really—” John winced at his stuttering.

_Don’t you dare tell him. Then he’ll see what a mess you really are._

He knew Alexander hadn’t meant any offense by the question, but he had never told anyone besides his therapist about his trich. The thought of someone else knowing—knowing how he would pull at his eyebrows and eyelashes until the skin burned and his fingers bled—horrified him.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Alex said, sitting up and putting a hand on John’s arm. “You don’t have to answer. I was just wondering. Tell me about the battle again.” Alexander had already picked up on the fact that John felt better when talking about his passions.

John nodded and took a deep breath, then launched into one of his favorite Yorktown stories about a tailor spying on the British government. He was still talking when they pulled into their hotel two hours later, helped along by Alex’s many questions.

John quickly finished his story and leaned down to get his backpack in order. As he did so, Alex shifted in his seat and accidentally kicked John’s backpack over. The contents scattered, including a small plush turtle.

John swore quietly and shoved the turtle back into the bag, praying that Alex hadn’t seen it. He was probably the only kid there who still had stuffed animals, and he didn’t need that added to his weirdness.

“You really like turtles, don’t you?” Alex asked.

_There go your friends._

“You, um, you weren’t supposed to-to see that.”

“Why not?” Alex took the turtle out of the backpack. “It’s really cute.”

“Um th-thanks.”

“Does it have a name?”

“Rebel, Jr. He’s named after my pet turtle.”

“You have a pet turtle? That’s so cool.”

John nodded. “They’re my favorite animals. I know everything about them.”

The two boys followed Laf and Herc off the bus. They gathered around the front of the hotel while their luggage was taken off the bus. Alex inquired further about John’s pet turtle.

“I got him for Christmas two years ago,” John said. “He was a gift from my uncle. He asked me to do some drawings of Rebel for him and now it’s my favorite thing to do. I’ve filled up at least twenty sketch—”

“Well well well,” a southern accent drawled. “Looks like Turtle Boy can come out of his shell after all. I never would have guessed.”

John fell silent and looked at the ground as Thomas Jefferson and his friend James Madison pushed their way into the group.

“Thomas, mon ami,” Laf said, placing himself between Thomas and John. “Please, do not do this.”

“Since when do you hang out with freaks like Laurens, Laf?” Thomas asked. “I thought you had some class.”

John’s mind was having a field day with this. It liked it when Thomas was around; he made its job easy.

_He’s right. They’re too good for you. You should leave them alone before you drag them to your level._

“Just ignore him, John,” Alex said, lightly touching his friend’s arm. “Tell me about your turtle.”

“Yeah, John,” Thomas said in a mocking voice. “Tell us about your turtle.” John was silent. “You can’t, can you? Pathetic.”

“Hey what’s your problem, man?” Alex’s hands were clenched into fists and his eyes were shooting daggers through Thomas.

“Alex, d-don’t,” John whispered.

Thomas scoffed. “I don’t think anyone can hear you from inside your shell, Turtle Boy. You’re gonna have to speak up.”

At that moment John felt a feeling he hadn’t felt in a while: anger at someone other than himself. And somewhere deep within that anger, there was an odd sense of calm, like the eye of a hurricane. This calm fueled his anger and silenced the harmful part of his mind. If Thomas wanted him to speak up, he would speak up.

John slowly raised his head up so his eyes met Thomas’s. He could see that Thomas recognized how unusual this was.

Tapping into this new sense of calm and feeling the presence of his new friends behind him, John slowly and clearly spoke.

“Piss off, Thomas.”

Everyone in the circle looked taken aback.

“Excuse me?” Thomas laughed, though his laughter was riddled with confusion.

“You heard me,” John said. “Piss off.”

“How dare you speak to me like that.” Thomas made a threatening move towards John, but Alex, Herc, and Laf jumped to form a protective wall in front of their new friend.

“I believe John asked you to leave,” Herc growled.

James, whom everyone had forgotten was there, spoke up. “Come on, Thomas,” he said. “It’s not worth it. Besides, Washington’s coming.”

Thomas shot John one last threatening glare, then turned and stalked away, James at his heels.

“John, that was amazing,” Alex exclaimed, turning back towards John.

“Where did all that bravery come from?” Laf asked.

John shrugged. “I guess it came from you guys.”

“Aww,” Herc said, pretending to wipe away a tear. “Laurens loves us.”

“Shut up,” John said, blushing a little.

“We love you too mon ami,” Laf said as he enveloped John in a hug. Herc and Alex joined in.

“Stop it,” John grinned.

He tried to squirm his way out of the group hug, but his friends were relentless. They moved as a group to grab their luggage and slowly shuffled into the hotel, all the while keeping John pinned in the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join me on tumblr @justsmilingmoreandtalkingless!


	4. Step Four: Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Alex get some time alone to talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: anxiety, trich, bullying, internalized homophobia

John Laurens was smiling. Genuinely smiling, for the first time in a long, long time. 

“To our brave little Laurens!” Laf raised his glass in a toast at dinner that night. 

“To freedom from Thomas!” John added.

“To the four of us!” Herc finished. 

The four boys clinked their glasses together. 

“So what’s Thomas’s deal anyways?” Alex asked, setting his glass down. 

John’s smile fell. “He’s a jerk." 

"Thomas does not have very good people skills,” Lafayette said sadly. “He is a good person at heart, but he does not know how to show that." 

"I call BS,” John said. “He’s been bullying me since fifth grade." 

"Why?” Alex asked. “What could he possibly find wrong with you?" 

John shrugged and looked away from Alex’s eyes, greatly resisting the urge to ask if Alex was flirting. Five years ago, he might have. Thomas had taken that bravery away from him, though. "I’m quiet. I stutter. I don’t really have any friends.” Well, those were why he bullied him now. He wasn’t going to tell why the bullying started. 

“What about that one kid you hang out with?” Herc asked. “And the Schuyler sisters?" 

"Aaron and I don’t really talk much,” John said. “We kind of just sit in silence and he reads while I draw. Me, Angelica, and Peggy got along really well, but they just transferred to a boarding school." 

"They did?” Herc asked. “Nobody told me that." 

John nodded. "Peggy and I still have sleepovers occasionally, but it’s hard since her school is all the way upstate." 

"Her parents are okay with that?” Laf asked. “I thought they were very strict. Eliza was never allowed to come to our sleepovers." 

_Shit_ , John thought. _You’ve really done it this time, Laurens. You can definitely kiss your friends goodbye now._

"I, um—the thing is…" 

_They’re going to ask for a new roommate. They’re not going to want you around them anymore._

"Breathe, John,” Alex said. “It’s okay. You can tell us anything, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to." 

Herc and Laf nodded their agreement. Seeing the honest looks on their faces, John felt a little bit of his previous calm return. 

"I’m gay.” John held his breath and waited for the others to respond. 

“Oh, mon ami,” Laf laughed. “You should not have been so scared to tell us that." 

Seeing the confused look on John’s face, Herc elaborated, "Laf and I are pansexual." 

"And I’m bi,” Alex added. 

Laurens let out his breath. “Oh thank god. Thank you all for understanding. You’re the first people I’ve told besides Peggy and her family." 

"Of course, mon ami,” Laf smiled. 

“And besides,” Herc said, “even if we weren’t such a rainbow of diversity, we would still accept you." 

John smiled at them. "That actually felt really good. You guys are the best." 

"We know,” Alex said. “Does anyone want my pizza?”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"DIBS!“ Hercules threw his bag onto one of the two single beds in their room. 

"Oui,” Laf agreed, throwing his bag onto the other. “Sorry, mes amis. You two have to share." 

Alex and John looked at each other. Alex shrugged and placed his bag on the right side of the double bed. 

"Dibs on this side,” he said. 

“Is it really necessary to call dibs on that?” John asked. 

“It’s necessary to call dibs on everything,” Alex said with a straight face. 

“Dibs on this outlet,” Herc said, expressionless. 

“Dibs on the lamp,” Laf added. 

For the next five minutes, John’s roommates walked around the room and touched everything they could while calling dibs. John sat on his side of the bed, beaming so much that his face hurt, the beginning of a laugh forming in his throat. It had been a long time since he had laughed. 

The dibs session ended when Laf tried to call dibs on the trash can. Alex had already claimed it, and two got into a playful argument over it. It quickly escalated into an actual argument about the exact rules of dibs, which John and Herc had to break up before one of them punched the other. 

Once things had settled down, Herc and Laf went down to the lobby to get snacks from the vending machine, leaving Alex and John alone in the room. Alex flopped down on their bed and picked up Rebel, Jr. 

“So what’s the story behind you and Thomas, if you don’t mind my asking?" 

John looked away. He liked Alex, but he seemed to not have a filter. He was asking all the wrong questions. Still, John felt like he could open up to Alex. He took a deep breath and began his story. 

"I-I didn’t used to be so quiet,” John said, his voice catching in his throat. “I used to be the l-loudest in the class, actually." 

"You? The loudest in the class?” Alex raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure this is a true story?" 

John nodded. "My-my teachers would call home because I wouldn’t-wouldn’t shut up. I got detentions for it." 

"So what happened?" 

"T-Thomas happened. I had—oh god this is going to sound so stupid—I had a crush on him." 

"On that asshole?” Alex asked. “Oh, John, you can do so much better than that. You’re way out of his league." 

John blushed. "I was eleven,” he said defensively. 

“Okay, you’re forgiven. Then what happened?" 

"My stupid big mouth got me in trouble,” John said. He seemed calmer now, now that he had realized that it was safe to talk to Alex about this. “I was dumb and impulsive and I told him." 

"NO,” Alex said, dropping his jaw. 

John gave him a little smile. “Yeah. Stupid, right? But he started making f-fun of me for it, and then all his friends got in on it. I decided that-that since my mouth got me into this mess, then it would be safer to just n-not talk at all. But then he started b-bullying me for not talking. He started called me T-Turtle Boy because I acted b-brave and then hid when he started n-noticing me." 

"That’s horrible." 

"Even-eventually I just turned into an anxious m-mess because—" 

_Shut up. You’re saying too much. This is what started it in the first place._

John winced. Alex noticed and sat up to look at him. 

"Are you okay? You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to." 

_Stop now. He doesn’t want you to talk anymore. He doesn’t want to know._

"John, what’s wrong?" 

_He’s just being polite. Don’t speak. Do what you do best and stay silent._

John’s breath grew short. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried his breathing exercises. Feeling that it wasn’t enough, he started tapping his fingertips, another strategy his therapist had taught him. 

"John?” Alex took John’s shoulders. “John look at me!" 

John forced his eyes open and met Alex’s. He had never noticed before how beautiful they were. 

_There you go again. Always ruining everything for yourself. He’ll never like you. It’ll be Thomas all over again._

John shut his eyes again with a small whimper. He pulled his arms inside his sweatshirt, the anxiety getting much worse. He kept tapping his fingers underneath the fabric. 

"John, I need you tell me what’s wrong." 

"C-can’t,” John whispered. “T-too loud." 

Alex seemed to understand. "John, listen. Listen to me, not whatever is going on in your head. Focus on me." 

John opened his eyes again and forced them to focus on Alex. 

"It’s okay,” Alex said. “Whatever your head is telling you, it’s a lie. You’re perfect. There is nothing wrong with you." 

John gave a bitter laugh. "Y-yeah there is. Y-you can’t hear how-how bad it is." 

"Maybe I can’t hear your thoughts, but I know how bad it can be." 

John gave him a confused look. 

"I hate myself sometimes,” Alex said. “I try to be perfect, and I try to be better and work harder than everybody else. I always have to be doing something, and doing it perfectly. And when I can’t do that, I crash. I can’t escape all the thoughts telling me what a failure I am. So maybe I don’t know exactly what’s happening in your head, but I can tell that we’re in the same boat." 

John shook his head, but at the same time he felt better enough to put his arms back into his sleeves. 

"It’s just— at least you can do something right,” John said. “I can’t-I can’t do anything. I can’t sp-speak properly, and I g-get made fun of when I’m silent. My-my hobbies are weird, and I’m a-a disappointment to-to my father and —" 

"I think the way you speak is beautiful.” Alex cut him off, moved closer, and put an arm around his shoulders. “And I think you’re great when you’re quiet too. I love it when you speak, but I get it when you don’t. Plus, me and Rebel think your hobbies are pretty cool.” He put the stuffed turtle on John’s lap. “And as for your father, sometimes dads are shitty. Mine deserted me. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you." 

John’s face was on fire. "Y-you’re just saying that. Y-you’ve only known me a few hours." 

"A few hours is more than enough to get to know someone,” Alex said. “I read people well. And I read you as perfect." 

John smirked a little. "Stop flirting.”

Alex grinned. “There’s my brave little Laurens!" 

"I’m taller than you!” John said, his smile growing. 

“Mm, doesn’t matter. My ego’s bigger." 

"Fair point, fair point. But, the fact remains that you are physically the tiniest one here." 

When Laf and Hercules entered the room five minutes later, they found Laurens and Alex standing on the bed, each of them on their tiptoes, attempting to make themselves taller than the other. Alex was giggling uncontrollably and John was grinning from ear to ear. 

"I’m not even going to ask,” Herc said. 

“Oui,” Laf agreed. “I am going to bed. Goodnight, mes amis." 

"Good night Laf,” the group chorused. 

While doing this, Alex turned to look at Laf and lost his balance, tumbling down to the mattress. John threw his arms up in victory. 

“Yes!” He grinned. “I win!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After rereading this chapter I kind of want to dedicate it to my friend Andy and my roommates Hannah, Claire, and Sarah for being my Alex, Laf, and Herc. They were the ones who actually talked to me on the trip and tried to bring me into the group. 
> 
> Join me on tumblr @justsmilingmoreandtalkingless!


	5. Step Five: Laugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John stands up to his bully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: anxiety, trich, bullying

A few days later they found themselves at a smaller battlefield in Massachusetts. John didn’t know as much about this site; his specialities were New York, Virginia, and South Carolina. Thankfully, his friends didn’t seem to care about this one as much either. Instead of pushing John to tell them everything, they just asked for a basic overview and then talked about whatever they wanted as they walked around. The topic at the moment was Alexander’s backstory.

“So, I moved here from Nevis at the beginning of the summer. There was a huge hurricane and they decided to send me to New York to have a better chance.” Alex’s accent seemed to grow thicker as he remembered his home.

“Who’s ‘they’?” Hercules asked.

“The whole community, really,” Alex shrugged. “It was mostly my boss who paid for it, though. He figured he owed me for all those years of work.”

“Years?” John asked. “Aren’t you, like, sixteen?”

Alex nodded. “I’ve been working for him since my mom died. He put me in charge of his trade operations when I was fourteen.”

“Is that even legal?” Laf asked.

“I dunno,” Alex shrugged. “But he was always fair about it. I got the pay and the treatment I deserved.”

“So who are you staying with now?” John asked.

“Some friends of my boss,” Alex said. “They’re fostering me for a while. They’re really nice, but they insist on homeschooling me like their other kids. I’d much rather be in an actual school.”

“Maybe you could convince them to let you come to our school,” Hercules suggested.

“Oui,” Laf agreed. “They trusted George enough to let you come on this trip, no?”

“George?” Alex asked.

“Mr. Washington,” Herc clarified. “He’s Laf’s adoptive dad.”

“Oh,” Alex said. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Mr. Washington practically runs the school,” Herc said. “Your foster parents should be fine with you in his care.”

“He is a really awesome teacher,” John agreed. “It’s a pretty great school, some things aside. We could all vouch for you.”

“Okay,” Alex grinned. “It’s worth a try.”

He took his phone out and sent a quick text to his foster parents, asking them to video chat that night.

“While I have my phone out,” Alex said, looking around, “we should get a picture together. Maybe prove to my foster parents that I’ll have friends.” His eyes fell on James Madison, who was walking alone and looking a little lost. “Hey James, would you take a picture of us?”

James nodded and took Alex’s phone. John, Alex, Herc, and Laf draped their arms around each other and smiled. James snapped the picture and handed the phone back with a small cough.

“Hey Jimmy James, there you are,” Thomas said, running up to James. “Where’ve you been?” He had a sincere smile on his face, but it dropped into his usual cocky smirk when he saw John and his friends. “What were you doing with these losers?”

“I was just taking their picture,” James muttered.

“Must have been one ugly picture,” Thomas said. “I’m surprised Turtle Boy even showed his face.”

John’s eyes dropped to the ground.

“Aw, what’s wrong Laurens?” Thomas asked, his tone condescending. “What happened to all that bravery from the other day?”

_He’s right. What happened? Where did brave little Laurens go? He was never here, was he? You were faking it all along._

John balled his hands into fists and pulled them into his sleeves. Alex glanced at him with concern is his eyes.

“Thomas,” Laf said, moving closer to Jefferson. “Why must you do this?”

John had to get out of there. They weren’t too far away from the visitor’s center. He figured he could make his escape that way.

“B-Bathroom,” he muttered, just loud enough for Alex to hear.

He took off towards the small building. He could hear Thomas’s cruel laugh behind him, but he tried to tune it out. His only focus was getting to the bathroom.

It was a small family bathroom in the back of the visitor’s center. John locked himself in and slid down to the floor with his back against the door.

Before he had even realized he had moved, his fingers were bruised from pulling out eyebrows. When he realized what he had done, he shoved his hands under his legs. However, it was too late.   
His eyebrows were thinned out to the point where they were barely visible. He dropped his head into his hands, tears streaming down his face.

There was a knock on the door.

“John? It’s Alex. Are you okay?”

John didn’t answer. He didn’t want Alex to see him like this. While they had bonded the other night, John was still afraid of scaring Alex away.

“It’s just me,” Alex said. “We’re all really worried about you but we figured you wouldn’t want to talk to the whole group.”

He paused and waited for a response. When none came, he continued, “Is it okay if I come in?”

_Don’t do it. He’ll just make fun of you once he sees what a freak you are._

John squeezed his eyes shut and tried something new.

_Shut up._

He reached up and unlocked the door, then scooted away from it. Alex, hearing the click, pushed the door open, stepped in, then locked it back up. He sat down next to John, their shoulders touching.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

John looked down at his hands. Alex followed his gaze and saw the bruises on John’s fingertips.

“What happened?” Alex asked, taking John’s hands in his own.

John took a shaky breath. “I h-have this anxiety thing. It makes me-makes me p-pull out m-my hair.”

_You shouldn’t have told him that. He’s going to leave. He’s never going to want to see you again, you freak._

John whimpered and pulled his knees up to his chest. He rested his head on top of his knees.

“Hey, John, it’s okay,” Alex said. He wrapped his arms around the smaller boy.

“I’ve n-never told anyone b-b-besides my therapist,” John whispered.

“Thank you for telling me,” Alex said. “That was really brave of you.”

John shifted and buried his head in Alex’s chest. His mind was screaming at him not to, but he needed the physical contact.

“What was bothering you so much about Jefferson?” Alex asked, rubbing John’s arm. “You did so well with him the other day.”

“Th-that was a fluke.”

Alex hummed his disagreement. “No, I don’t think it was. I think you can stand up to him if you really want to.”

John shook his head fiercely. “N-n-no I can’t.”

“I’m sorry but I’m afraid you’re wrong, John Laurens.”

The certainty in Alex’s voice compelled John to sit up and look at Alex. Alex wiped a tear from John’s cheek and took his hands again.

“I’ll help you talk to him if you need me to,” Alex continued, “but I think you can do it yourself. I think you just need to tell him that he can’t bother you anymore.”

“B-but obviously he c-can,” John sniffled. “I-I’m sitting in a-in a bathroom crying because of h-him.”

“Sometimes,” Alex said, “you need to say it out loud to believe it. If you can gather the courage to say that to Thomas, doesn’t it make it true?”

John hesitated. “I-I guess…”

Alex stood up and pulled John with him. “Come on. Dry your tears. We’re going to go stand up to him.”

“I r-really don’t think this is a good idea,” John protested. However, he let himself be dragged out of the bathroom with no resistance. Some small part of him had a tiny hope that Alex might be right.

“John, you’re adorable, and you’re brilliant, and I really like you, but I’m going to have to ask you to stop thinking.” Alex looked back at John. “It’s time you stopped letting that jerk push you around, and you’re only going to get in your own way.”

He pulled the taller boy across the field to where Thomas and James were looking at a sign explaining what had happened at that site.

“Jefferson. John has something to say.”

Thomas turned around with a smirk on his face. “Does he now?”

John faltered. He looked at Alex with panic in his eyes. Alex took John’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. John nodded and swallowed hard. He forced himself to make eye contact with Thomas.

“T-Thomas, I’m done letting-letting you bully me.” Thomas scoffed, but John pressed on. “I-I’m serious. You can’t h-hurt me anymore. I don’t-don’t care what you have to say.” His voice hardened. “I have friends now, so do your worst. I don’t care.”

Thomas was alarmed by John’s conviction. In the past the boy had begged for Thomas to stop. The fact that he had outright told him that Thomas could keep going scared him.

“Come on James,” he said, glaring at John. “Let’s go.”

John watched them leave with a hard look in his eyes. Then, as soon as they were out of earshot, he crumpled into Alex’s arms.

“Oh my god,” John whispered.

“You did it!” Alex said.

“I guess I did,” John said, a small smile growing on his face.

All of a sudden, Lafayette and Hercules were on them, enveloping the two small boys in a group hug. John didn’t know where they had been watching from, but it was obvious they had heard everything.

“Mon ami, we are so proud of you!” Laf exclaimed.

“Our brave little Laurens!” Herc laughed.

John’s smile grew bigger, and then something extraordinary happened. He started to laugh. It was a deep, genuine laugh straight from his stomach.

“I did it,” he laughed. “I really did it!”

“This deserves a celebration!” Laf said. “Dinner is on us tonight!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join me on tumblr @justsmilingmoreandtalkingless!


	6. Step Six: Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex tries to bring John out of his comfort zone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings :)

Laurens laid on his bed—he had gotten dibs on a single this time— in their hotel room in Boston. He had the room to himself for the moment; Laf and Herc were in the lobby with some of their friends and Alex was showering. John was sketching, with the picture James had taken for them two days prior as a reference. A small smile graced his lips as he drew Alex—he had already drawn the other three people in the picture—taking special care to get his jawline just right. He was oblivious to the world around him as he drew, so he didn’t hear Alex come out of the bathroom, or notice that he was standing right next to him until he spoke.

“John, that’s amazing.”

John whipped his head up to look at Alex, covering the drawing with his arms. His face turned a bright red as he saw that Alex was shirtless. He forced himself to look at the ground.

“It’s just a doodle,” John mumbled.

Alex sat down next to him. “Let me see.”

John reluctantly removed him arms from his sketchbook, careful not to make eye contact with the smaller boy. Alex took it and examined the drawing.

“Wow,” Alex breathed. “It looks just like the real thing.”

John’s face was redder than it had ever been. “I-it’s not that good, really.”

“I think it’s beautiful,” Alex said, not looking away from the drawing. “Can I have a copy when you’re done with it?”

“Um, sure.”

Alex’s face lit up as he handed the sketchbook back. “Thanks!” He moved off the bed, tugged on a t-shirt, and pulled his hair into a ponytail. John tried not to look disappointed. “Do you want to go find Laf and Herc?”

John shrugged and tugged at his sweatshirt sleeves. “I dunno… There are a-a lot of people down there. Not a lot of them like me.”

Alex held out a hand. “I think that’s just your anxiety. I think we need to bring out the old you. Come down with me for… ten minutes. If you want to leave, we’ll leave.”

John took his hand. “Okay,” he whispered.

Alex grinned and pulled John of the bed. He grabbed a room key and they went down to the lobby, where Herc and Laf were in the middle of a large group of other kids on the trip. Alex led John straight into the heart of the group.

“Mes amis!” Laf exclaimed when he saw them. He beckoned them closer. “Everybody, these are my friends John Laurens and Alexander Hamilton.”

There were several friendly greetings from the group of students. Alex beamed at them confidently and John gave a shy smile. Everyone went back to their conversations and Alex immediately launched into a conversation with the person closest to him, which happened to be Benjamin West, a boy John vaguely recognized from his art classes. John just smiled politely and pretended to be listening instead of counting down the minutes until he could go back up to their room. It was working until Alex pulled him into the conversation.

“John’s an artist too,” Alex said, nudging him. “Right John?”

“Um I-I wouldn’t really say a-artist,” John stuttered, still not making eye contact with Ben.

“Nonsense,” Alex said. He turned back to Ben. “You should have seen the drawing he was just working on. It’s amazing.”

“You took art with Mr. Trumbull last semester right?” Ben asked John, who nodded. “I thought so. I’ve seen some of your stuff. You’re pretty good. You should join art club.”

“Oh, I don’t-I don’t think—”

“He would love to,” Alex cut John off.

“Sweet,” Ben said. “We meet on Tuesdays. I’ll see you there.” He excused himself to go talk to another friend and John turned to Alex with an accusing look on his face.

“W-what the hell was that?” He demanded.

“That,” Alex said, “was me helping you get out of your comfort zone to do something you’ll enjoy.”

“I c-can’t join art club,” John said. “I don’t kn-know anyone.”

“You didn’t know anyone on this trip,” Alex said, “and now you have three new friends. Four, if you want to count art club dude.”

John stared at Alex, not sure what to say, or even to think. Alex’s proud grin fell into an expression of concern.

“Are you okay? Did I screw up? God, John, I’m sorry.”

John didn’t say anything. Instead he grabbed Alex’s arm and pulled him away from the group of students, into the stairwell.

“John?” Alex asked.

John turned around and kissed the smaller boy. Alex made a surprised sound, then kissed back. Sirens were going off in John’s head, and every fiber of his being was telling him to stop but he didn’t care.

Alex pulled away. “Now that’s the Brave Little Laurens I love.”

John looked at the ground. “Th-thank you,” he whispered. “For everything.”

Alex lifted John’s chin so they were making eye contact. “Of course, John. You’re the closest friend I’ve got. Now shut up and kiss me again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come join me on tumblr @justsmilingmoreandtalkingless!


	7. Step Seven: Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The trip has finally reached its end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks. The final chapter. Thank you all for sticking with it, I know it’s been a long time since I started. I believe this is the first multi-chapter fic I’ve ever finished, and I’m really proud of it.  
> No warnings for this one loves. Enjoy!

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be arriving at the school shortly. Call your rides.” 

Mr. Washington’s voice cut through the quiet murmur of the bus, waking all the students who had been sleeping and silencing all the ones who had been talking. 

John, who had been laying with his head on Alex’s lap, sat up and stretched. He looked over at Alex. He was still asleep, his mouth hanging slightly open. John giggled and pressed his lips to Alex’s. Alex started awake, his eyes wide with panic. Then he realized who was kissing him and smiled. 

“Hey,” he hummed.

“Hey,” John grinned back. 

Alex sighed and leaned against John. “It’s hard to believe the trip is over already.” 

John nodded. “I know. Promise me I’ll see you before summer ends?” 

Alex turned and kissed his cheek. “As often as possible. And my foster parents said we could talk about transferring to your school.” 

John smiled. “That’s great! That’s better than great! That’s fantastic!” 

“Calm down, dude,“ Alex chuckled. “It’s just a start. Plus, I’m only going to go through with it if you promise me two things.”

“What?” John asked, giving him a confused look.

"One,” Alex said, “that you’ll join art club, and two, you won’t let Thomas bother you this year.” 

John bit his lip and laced his fingers through Alex’s. “I-I think I can manage that.” 

“Good,” Alex beamed. “I’m proud of you.” 

John blushed and looked down at their hands. Before, he would’ve tried to argue that there was nothing to be proud of him for, but he was proud of himself. He really felt like he could do those things Alex asked of him, or at least try. 

The bus pulled into the high school parking lot. The students gathered their things and slowly shuffled off the bus, grateful for a chance to stretch their legs.

Alex waved to a man and a woman who had just gotten out of a car. John figured they were Alex’s foster parents.

John glanced around and didn’t see his father, so he grabbed Alex by the arm and asked urgently, “Are you out to your foster parents?” 

Alex looked confused. “What?” 

“As bi? Are you out to them?” 

“Yeah,” Alex said. “Wh—”

John cut him off with a kiss, quick but full of love, then glanced around to be extra sure his father wasn’t there. “Call me as soon as you can, okay?” 

Alex nodded. “Okay.”

Laf and Herc came bounding off the bus and threw their arms around Alex and John. 

“Oh, mes amis!” Laf exclaimed. “This has been so much fun!” 

“You dudes gotta make sure to keep in touch until school starts,” Herc said. 

“Definitely,” John said. “And guys? Thank you so much. For everything.” 

“Of course, mon ami,” Laf said. “Anything for our Brave Little Laurens.” 

A long, loud honk sounded across the parking lot. 

“That’s my dad,” John said, looking towards the source. “I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you guys later.”

On his way to his car, he passed Mr. Washington. John went to thank him for everything he had done, but before he could, Washington gave him a wink and a nod, and John knew Washington already knew what he would’ve said. John nodded back and gave him a shy smile. 

As he climbed into his car, met by icy silence from his father, he looked across the parking lot at where Laf and Herc were meeting Alex’s foster parents. 

_You’ll never see them again._

John shook his head. No. He would not listen. Not this time. Sure, things were far from perfect. But they were a million times better than they had been two weeks ago. And with all his loving friends—and his loving _boyfriend_ —on his side, he felt like there was nothing he couldn’t do. 

As they pulled out of the parking lot, John realized there was one last thing he wanted to do. 

He rolled down the window and leaned his head out. With complete confidence in his voice, he shouted, “Hey Thomas! See you in school!”


End file.
